Question:
Hi, I am writing to you because I have a dilemma, and I was wondering what your opinion is on this matter. I got married to a wonderful man 2 years ago and our marriage is great. However, I sometimes feel like I am also married to his parents. We live in the same city as his parents and they are always showing up unexpectedly, expecting us to drop what we’re doing and spend time with them any time they want to. They are retired, we are not. So our spare time is a little more precious and sometimes we just want to spend time just the two of us. But every weekend, they think it’s time to get together. I just want to have one weekend to ourselves, without having to go on a trip in order to avoid his parents. I have told my husband about my issues with this, but he just can’t seem to stand up to his parents. Should I tell his parents how I feel? I need some space. I married my husband, not his parents.
Sincerely, Troubled with the In-Laws
Dear Troubled,
First off, let me tell you that when you marry someone, you marry everything about them. Some people’s parents are not overbearing. They know how to give their children space. Some people don’t have a relationship with their parents at all. You married a guy who has a strong relationship with his parents, and it may be hard to break that strong bond.
That being said, you do need to stand up for yourself if you are having a problem with someone. You can do this while still being respectful. It is important that they understand how you feel and why you are requesting some space from them. Tell them that before they come over, they need to call. You are busy people, and you don’t always have time to drop what you’re doing. You need to plan ahead in order to spend time with them. You also need to spend some time alone together without the parents. Request that you have lunch or dinner with them once a month, instead of every weekend. Make sure they know that you “Love” spending time with them. It’s just that you don’t have enough time, being that you both work full time.
The main thing is that you need to be honest and respectful. They should respect that you need space, but you also need to allow them to remain in their son’s life. It would be nice if your husband could be the go-between as these are his parents, but if he’s too afraid to stand up to his parents, you may just have to do it yourself.
Best of Blessings,
Lisha
I don't quite know what to do with my in-laws too. They hate me. I've tried every way there is to get their approval but to no avail. My husband is sad about this, but like the letter sender, he can't defend me. It's causing a bit of a strain in our relationship. :(
ReplyDeleteLisha -
ReplyDeleteI think your advice is perfect! Marrying someone does mean that you marry everything about them, and that includes pesky in-laws. She might want to stand up to them while still being respectful, but that's tricky because anything she says can be taken the wrong way by the in-laws!
~June
June, Thanks for your input. Yes, it can be tricky. Everyone is different and not everyone will be receptive to your ideas on space, etc. However, it is good to ask for some sort of balance with your in-laws. It is usually how you say it that will make a difference. As long as you put across that you understand that they want to spend time with you, and that you like to spend time with them too, there just isn't enough time since you are working most of the time. It is important for you and your spouse to have some alone time that you can bond together. And other times, spend with extended family.
ReplyDelete