In-Laws Causing a Strain on the Marriage

This comment was left here in this blog.

Leanne002 said...

I don't quite know what to do with my in-laws too. They hate me. I've tried every way there is to get their approval but to no avail. My husband is sad about this, but like the letter sender, he can't defend me. It's causing a bit of a strain in our relationship. :(

Answer:

Dear Leanne,

The best thing you can do for people who don't approve of you no matter what you do, is just be yourself and continue to be civil. If you never give them a reason to not like you, you will never have a reason to really feel bad about anything. As easy as this sounds, and as hard as it is, try to not let their negative attitude rub off on you. Continue to stay positive in their presence and say and do nice things for them, no matter how they act toward you. It is always best to be the "bigger" person.

Do not put the pressure on your husband to defend you. It is not his fault that his parents do not fully accept you. And it's not your fault either. Never put anything in between yourself and your husband. It is already hard enough to figure out the dance of just being married and trying to live life together. Don't add any extra strain. Sometimes you just have to accept the way others feel about you when it has nothing to do with you at all. Many people walk through this life with pre-conceived notions and assumptions. We cannot change everyone's minds and we cannot control everyone's automatic thoughts.

As long as you are being the best person you can be in life, shrug it off and say oh well. The more you dwell on it, the more those people have control over your thoughts and feelings. Let it go and you will be relieved from the grasp they had on you. I always say, don't worry about the things you can do anything about. Worry about the things you can do something about and then do it!

Best of Blessings,

Lisha

Troubles with the In-Laws

I received an annonymous comment yesterday. I have included the question and my answer:


Question:

Hi, I am writing to you because I have a dilemma, and I was wondering what your opinion is on this matter. I got married to a wonderful man 2 years ago and our marriage is great. However, I sometimes feel like I am also married to his parents. We live in the same city as his parents and they are always showing up unexpectedly, expecting us to drop what we’re doing and spend time with them any time they want to. They are retired, we are not. So our spare time is a little more precious and sometimes we just want to spend time just the two of us. But every weekend, they think it’s time to get together. I just want to have one weekend to ourselves, without having to go on a trip in order to avoid his parents. I have told my husband about my issues with this, but he just can’t seem to stand up to his parents. Should I tell his parents how I feel? I need some space. I married my husband, not his parents.

Sincerely, Troubled with the In-Laws




Dear Troubled,

First off, let me tell you that when you marry someone, you marry everything about them. Some people’s parents are not overbearing. They know how to give their children space. Some people don’t have a relationship with their parents at all. You married a guy who has a strong relationship with his parents, and it may be hard to break that strong bond.

That being said, you do need to stand up for yourself if you are having a problem with someone. You can do this while still being respectful. It is important that they understand how you feel and why you are requesting some space from them. Tell them that before they come over, they need to call. You are busy people, and you don’t always have time to drop what you’re doing. You need to plan ahead in order to spend time with them. You also need to spend some time alone together without the parents. Request that you have lunch or dinner with them once a month, instead of every weekend. Make sure they know that you “Love” spending time with them. It’s just that you don’t have enough time, being that you both work full time.

The main thing is that you need to be honest and respectful. They should respect that you need space, but you also need to allow them to remain in their son’s life. It would be nice if your husband could be the go-between as these are his parents, but if he’s too afraid to stand up to his parents,  you may just have to do it yourself.

Best of Blessings,

Lisha

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

This comment was posted on my first blog post. I have included the question and my answer.



Question:

Hi, I love advice columns, so I think this is great. I have a question and I'm hoping you will give me some guidance. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 8 years. We have 2 children. We love each other deeply, but we're always fighting. I will ask one tiny question and he will get defensive and run off or get angry. Sometimes our fights have become physical, but I've decided not to participate that way any longer. I feel he may be bi-polar or something like that. I never know what I should do because I feel like our relationship is a huge roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like we shouldn't be together, but other times, I just can't stand the thought of losing him. What do you think I should do?



Answer:

Dear Unsure of Whether to End It,

Because you have two children with the man, I'm sure that makes it more difficult for you end the relationship. I think that because your fights can at times resort to physical violence, this is something that the children should not witness. In fact, it can cause you to lose your children. Your boyfriend needs to understand the importance of not fighting physically at all, especially not in front of the kids. Yelling is also not a good environment for the kids. Children need a role model to show them how to act appropriately during an argument or conflict. They need to learn the healthy ways of relating to others, or this could affect them and their relationships well through adulthood.

As for you personally, if you love him, you have to accept him for who he is. Not that you can't complain every once in awhile. You are human, afterall. But you have to pick your battles. If you don't like his behavior, you have to let him know in a way that is understandable to him, not to you. You have to speak his language. One great book I suggest is The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It will show you how best to express your love to your partner. Another great book that will help you in every relationship is The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. This book has an emphasis on dealing with conflict in your relationship. It's not that you will never have fights in your relationships. It is impossible to forever go without some sort of disagreement. But it is not THAT you fight, it is HOW you fight that matters.

If you have been with this guy for 8 years, I don't see you leaving him any time soon. You obviously have some sort of commitment devoted to him, and he is devoted to you. In order to live in harmony, you must accept the person for who they are. But if they are abusive, that is not acceptable. You should not stay with an abusive person. I am very adamant about that.

Thank you for your great question. I hope this helps you in your journey. Try reading the books I recommended and see if he will read them, too.

Best of Blessings,

Lisha

My First Advice Post

My First Advice Post can be seen Here <--

I figured the best way to get started was to use Yahoo Answers as my first sources for my being able to give advice. I wanted to get started right away, so I checked Yahoo Answers and found a question I wanted to answer about a 13 year old girl who is wondering if her mom is abusing her in some way. You can see my answer under my Yahoo ID, which is Lisha5684

The reason I cannot post the Yahoo Question and my Yahoo Answer on here is because that is considered online plagiarism. You cannot have 2 things that are exactly the same in 2 places on the internet. It makes you an illegitimate source. So, I am following the rules to keep my reputation where it should be.

Go ahead and view my first advice post at Yahoo Answers: Here. Thanks for viewing!

Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on this blog soon. I really think we could have some fun here and learn some good life lessons, as well. If you have a question that needs answering, or if you have a comment about anything and everything, post below. Always come back for more! :)

Have a great day!

Welcome to Lisha's Advice Column

Hi, and welcome to Lisha's Advice. My name is Lisha and my goal is to help you live your most fulfilled life possible. I am starting this blog as a sort of advice column that you'd see in the newspaper. I have always thought they were fun to read and I've always wanted to write for one myself. If you have a question that you'd like advice on, ask away. It can be confidential or not. It can be on any topic you'd like. My expertise of focus is mainly on financial, relational, and spiritual topics.

Are you having problems with a friend, family member, or significant other? Are you not sure what to do? Ask me and I will give you my advice on your relationships. You can take it or leave it, but in my social circle and in my family, I am the one with the rational head on my shoulders, and I am a fair person. I hold true discernment of what you should do in almost any decision. Patience is a virtue, we've all heard that. And it is so true. However, sometimes there are also times when we've been patient enough, and it is time to take action on something.

Are you struggling financially? Let me get you back on track to creating and managing your budget. I will teach you how you can live within your means, save money, and still have some extra play money (no matter what your income, it is possible, as long as you're willing to make a few small changes). I also have many ideas of how to make money. I am a well rounded person with virtually many "jobs". I work for myself and I am my own boss, and I can help you achieve that, as well. I just love to do too many things and there is never enough time each day. So come and learn how you can make more money.

I am a Christian and I have devoted my life to God because He is the one who sent His Son to die for our sins. The wrongs that we have done will forever be erased because of the love of our Father and His Son Jesus Christ. However, even though I am a Christian, I am not afraid of talking about or being around people of other religions. Let's have some great discussions. You can leave a comment at any time with your own questions or opinions. If you are struggling with religious or spiritual issues and you would like the guidance of a Christian, I am here. I am not perfect, by any means. Everyone makes mistakes. But I try to live as good a life as possible, and I try to keep my focus on the One who gave us all life. Besides, sometimes we are all better teachers than learners. Am I right?

So, let's have fun with this. It can be an adventure that you can take with me. Ask a question or leave a comment below. Tune in often to see what happens. This should be very fun and interesting. My goal is to write a post every day, and each day it will be on a different topic. Obviously, I may not competely fulfill that goal because life sometimes gets in the way. But I will try to write one post a day. If I have a lot of inquiries, I will write as many as I can each day in response. Thanks so much for coming over and seeing what's going on at Lisha's Advice. Come back soon! :)

Want to Roll in Riches? Visit my money making blog. Click Here

I love pets! Need a Pet Sitter in San Diego? Go here: sandiegopetsitter.blogspot.com