In-Laws Causing a Strain on the Marriage

This comment was left here in this blog.

Leanne002 said...

I don't quite know what to do with my in-laws too. They hate me. I've tried every way there is to get their approval but to no avail. My husband is sad about this, but like the letter sender, he can't defend me. It's causing a bit of a strain in our relationship. :(

Answer:

Dear Leanne,

The best thing you can do for people who don't approve of you no matter what you do, is just be yourself and continue to be civil. If you never give them a reason to not like you, you will never have a reason to really feel bad about anything. As easy as this sounds, and as hard as it is, try to not let their negative attitude rub off on you. Continue to stay positive in their presence and say and do nice things for them, no matter how they act toward you. It is always best to be the "bigger" person.

Do not put the pressure on your husband to defend you. It is not his fault that his parents do not fully accept you. And it's not your fault either. Never put anything in between yourself and your husband. It is already hard enough to figure out the dance of just being married and trying to live life together. Don't add any extra strain. Sometimes you just have to accept the way others feel about you when it has nothing to do with you at all. Many people walk through this life with pre-conceived notions and assumptions. We cannot change everyone's minds and we cannot control everyone's automatic thoughts.

As long as you are being the best person you can be in life, shrug it off and say oh well. The more you dwell on it, the more those people have control over your thoughts and feelings. Let it go and you will be relieved from the grasp they had on you. I always say, don't worry about the things you can do anything about. Worry about the things you can do something about and then do it!

Best of Blessings,

Lisha

Troubles with the In-Laws

I received an annonymous comment yesterday. I have included the question and my answer:


Question:

Hi, I am writing to you because I have a dilemma, and I was wondering what your opinion is on this matter. I got married to a wonderful man 2 years ago and our marriage is great. However, I sometimes feel like I am also married to his parents. We live in the same city as his parents and they are always showing up unexpectedly, expecting us to drop what we’re doing and spend time with them any time they want to. They are retired, we are not. So our spare time is a little more precious and sometimes we just want to spend time just the two of us. But every weekend, they think it’s time to get together. I just want to have one weekend to ourselves, without having to go on a trip in order to avoid his parents. I have told my husband about my issues with this, but he just can’t seem to stand up to his parents. Should I tell his parents how I feel? I need some space. I married my husband, not his parents.

Sincerely, Troubled with the In-Laws




Dear Troubled,

First off, let me tell you that when you marry someone, you marry everything about them. Some people’s parents are not overbearing. They know how to give their children space. Some people don’t have a relationship with their parents at all. You married a guy who has a strong relationship with his parents, and it may be hard to break that strong bond.

That being said, you do need to stand up for yourself if you are having a problem with someone. You can do this while still being respectful. It is important that they understand how you feel and why you are requesting some space from them. Tell them that before they come over, they need to call. You are busy people, and you don’t always have time to drop what you’re doing. You need to plan ahead in order to spend time with them. You also need to spend some time alone together without the parents. Request that you have lunch or dinner with them once a month, instead of every weekend. Make sure they know that you “Love” spending time with them. It’s just that you don’t have enough time, being that you both work full time.

The main thing is that you need to be honest and respectful. They should respect that you need space, but you also need to allow them to remain in their son’s life. It would be nice if your husband could be the go-between as these are his parents, but if he’s too afraid to stand up to his parents,  you may just have to do it yourself.

Best of Blessings,

Lisha