Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

This comment was posted on my first blog post. I have included the question and my answer.



Question:

Hi, I love advice columns, so I think this is great. I have a question and I'm hoping you will give me some guidance. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 8 years. We have 2 children. We love each other deeply, but we're always fighting. I will ask one tiny question and he will get defensive and run off or get angry. Sometimes our fights have become physical, but I've decided not to participate that way any longer. I feel he may be bi-polar or something like that. I never know what I should do because I feel like our relationship is a huge roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like we shouldn't be together, but other times, I just can't stand the thought of losing him. What do you think I should do?



Answer:

Dear Unsure of Whether to End It,

Because you have two children with the man, I'm sure that makes it more difficult for you end the relationship. I think that because your fights can at times resort to physical violence, this is something that the children should not witness. In fact, it can cause you to lose your children. Your boyfriend needs to understand the importance of not fighting physically at all, especially not in front of the kids. Yelling is also not a good environment for the kids. Children need a role model to show them how to act appropriately during an argument or conflict. They need to learn the healthy ways of relating to others, or this could affect them and their relationships well through adulthood.

As for you personally, if you love him, you have to accept him for who he is. Not that you can't complain every once in awhile. You are human, afterall. But you have to pick your battles. If you don't like his behavior, you have to let him know in a way that is understandable to him, not to you. You have to speak his language. One great book I suggest is The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It will show you how best to express your love to your partner. Another great book that will help you in every relationship is The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman. This book has an emphasis on dealing with conflict in your relationship. It's not that you will never have fights in your relationships. It is impossible to forever go without some sort of disagreement. But it is not THAT you fight, it is HOW you fight that matters.

If you have been with this guy for 8 years, I don't see you leaving him any time soon. You obviously have some sort of commitment devoted to him, and he is devoted to you. In order to live in harmony, you must accept the person for who they are. But if they are abusive, that is not acceptable. You should not stay with an abusive person. I am very adamant about that.

Thank you for your great question. I hope this helps you in your journey. Try reading the books I recommended and see if he will read them, too.

Best of Blessings,

Lisha